Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
