I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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