hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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