I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
