im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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