watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
