Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
