Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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