You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
me + whiskey = a bad person
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
