When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
