So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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