New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
