he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
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