some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
