I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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