I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
