At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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