I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
