thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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