Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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