My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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