Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
