It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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