So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
