So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
