Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
