I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
