the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
