the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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