Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
