you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
