Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
