Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
