Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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