New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
