Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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