I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Welp...herpes.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
