Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
