i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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