make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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