i already hear my dad disowning me
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
