Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Randomize
