He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
