I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
