I want to walk on stilts...naked
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
