I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
