I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
