You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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