I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
