I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
