He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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